


To Move On

by aapicula



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, because why wait for dean praying to be upset about it, post-5x03 angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 20:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21434485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aapicula/pseuds/aapicula
Summary: Even after all these years, praying isn't something that comes easily to Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 23





	To Move On

Even after all these years, praying isn’t something that comes naturally to Dean. It should, considering his unending littany in Purgatory. The harsh, desperate prayer to God behind the fast food joint. His silent, pleading invocations as the flames of Cas’s funeral pyre reached for the clouds.  _ Bring him back _ .

Or perhaps, he muses, it’s so hard to pray now because he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve any divine comfort or even an answer from  _ any _ celestial being, let alone the one he desperately wants to talk to. That’s why he resists the urge to reach out to Cas, to beg for his forgiveness.

He sits heavily on his bed and reclines back against the pillows, ostensibly looking through local news articles for anything their brand of weird. In actuality, he’s a million miles away, heartbroken blue eyes and a retreating trenchcoat haunting him. He should have grabbed more than a beer from the kitchen, it’s not nearly enough to dull everything swirling inside him.

_ It’s not your fault.  _

_ I’m so sorry. _

_ Please come home. _

_ ...I love you. _

They aren’t prayers, really, but rather a half-formed conversation in his mind. Of what he’d say, how he would convince Cas to come back because he can’t do this without him. Doesn’t  _ want  _ to do this without him. The endgame has always been him and Sam and Cas, and the angel’s absence had left a gaping hole in their family.

Sam still doesn’t know what happened. Dean hasn’t been able to bring himself to tell Sam the truth, unable to face the disappointment and disbelief in his brother’s eyes. He’s seen that disappointment enough. It’s bad enough that he couldn’t tell Sam where Cas went, didn’t know, but Cas hasn’t answered any of Sam’s calls or texts or prayers.

_ Can he still hear us? _

Cas had said that his powers are weakening. That he’d wanted to talk to Dean, but the Hunter wouldn’t listen. Dean hadn’t thought he could feel worse about their conversation until he’d remembered that exchange, how he’d dismissed Cas outright.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until a tear drops onto his phone, pixelating a portion of the screen into a patchwork of color. He stares at it for a moment, corners of his mouth tugged down into a miserable frown, and a harsh sob tries desperately to claw its way out of his throat. He chews the inside of his cheek, a tiny bite of pain that’s barely enough to keep him in check. Even then, another tear falls, and he swipes it away angrily.

Even after all these years, prayer isn’t something that comes easily to Dean Winchester. But tonight, he tries.

_ “Hey, Cas.” _


End file.
